Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
