You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
