so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Randomize
