I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
