Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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