I met the friendliest cop last night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
