You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
