my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
