oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
