dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
