No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
