The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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