??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
