I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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