At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
