sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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