so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
