haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
