So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
