it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
