Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
