so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found your dick twin last night
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
