I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
