I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
