I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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