make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
