Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
