"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
