If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
why is half of my head shaved?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
