Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
