I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
