i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
