My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
