i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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