This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Vodka?
Forever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
