im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
