Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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