Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
