I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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