he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
