Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
