Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
