she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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