she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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