...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
