Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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