How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He kissed a someone with a penis
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
