Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
