I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
