I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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