Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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