Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
