I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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